Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
