where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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