the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
