I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
