I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
