So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
