Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
