If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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