I think my vagina is haunted
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Randomize
