is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
