According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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