So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
