I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think my fart just growled at me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
