How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You can't motorboat a personality
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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