you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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