did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
