I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
is wine microwaveable?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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