Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
