Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize