No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize