dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
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