To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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