This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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