The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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