I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
