Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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