My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
