There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
