My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
