You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
