mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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