The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He kissed a someone with a penis
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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