You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
