Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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