My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I enjoy the company of your penis
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
