honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
They took my balls.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
