also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
