I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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