i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
