this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
