I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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