note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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