I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
