I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize