420 ftw
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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