So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
