My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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