You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
