The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
