2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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