Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
