omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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