Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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