I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
