So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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