saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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