Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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