Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
