I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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