when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
