Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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