'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize