Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
